|Final Fantasy VII owned by Square Enix.|
Images used for educational purposes only.
- Wall Market is not a nice place. On your left upon entrance is an Inn; use it if you took significant damage on the way here. The middle building near the entrance contains a ‘broken’ item dispenser, and is not much use just yet. To the right is the Honey Bee Inn, which… you’ll become acquainted with shortly.
- A short ways north, beside the kid with the cat statue, is an item shop. Further north is a restaurant where you can order several different meal options; buy something and you’ll receive a Pharmacy Coupon. (Though only if you say the meal was ‘all right’.) This will be important in a bit. Northwest of the restaurant is a clothing shop, important soon, and northeast of the restaurant is a shop that’s ‘closed’.
- Head north one screen. There’s a gym on your left that’s not currently useful, a bar on the top-left, also not useful, and a weapons shop that’s plenty useful… if you’ve got the cash.
- Head north one more screen. Here you’ll find the home of Don Corneo, a swanky establishment that only allows women to enter… and once they do, they’re in for… well, you can probably guess.
Tarting up Cloud
You now have the super-fun task of turning Cloud into a woman so he can infiltrate Don Corneo’s mansion. You can begin this process by visiting the clothing store, then retrieving the dressmaker from the bar. (He’s the guy in the brown cap by the entrance.) How you go about making Cloud into a woman will affect what ultimately happens at Don Corneo’s mansion, and if you do enough to make Cloud look pretty, Corneo will choose him for a ‘late night rendezvous’. Pretty funny. If you want to skip all that you can just choose whatever options you like until you’re sent to Corneo’s, which will result in a different course of events.
The Obligatory Stuff
- First up, the old man. He’ll ask you what kind of dress you want. The best dress, the Silk Dress, is ‘soft’ and ‘shimmers’; the middling dress, the Satin Dress, is ‘soft’ and ‘shiny’; anything else results in an inferior Cotton Dress.
- Next, a wig. Head to the clothing shop to try on the dress, then go to the gym. To get a wig you’ll need to best one of the muscle men here in a game of squats. You need to press Square, X, and Circle (or your PC equivalents) in that order, without roughly half a second between each button push, for thirty seconds. Perform more squats than the other guy, which is easy once you get into a rhythm, and you’ll earn a Blonde Wig. Tying the other dude earns you Dyed Wig, while outright losing gets you a Wig. A disgusting Wig, at that.
- At this point you can proceed to Corneo’s mansion by heading back to the dress shop and getting suited up, as it were. If you want a more convincing disguise, however…
The Optional Stuff
- Cologne. Remember that Pharmacy Coupon you received earlier? You can exchange it at the item shop (really a pharmacy) for one of three items. Take that item to the woman in the bathroom of the bar and she’ll give you something in exchange. The Disinfectant will earn you Cologne; the Deodorant will earn you Flower Cologne; the Digestive will earn you Sexy Cologne. The Sexy Cologne is the best of the lot.
- Tiara. The lazy guy who owns the northeast store in the southern section of Wall Market will ask a favour if you speak to him now. He wants you to stay at the inn and purchase something from the vending machine. Bring whatever it is back to the guy for a reward. Spend 200 gil for the Diamond Tiara, 100 gil for the Ruby Tiara, and 50 gil for the Glass Tiara. Staying at the inn costs 10 gil, so you’ll need a minimum of 210 gil for the best result.
- Underoos. Though of the adult persuasion. Head to the Honey Bee Inn. Along the way is a hefty man who, when consulted, will give you a Member’s Card. You can use it to get past the front door. The two rooms on your left are unoccupied; enter The &$#% Room for Lingerie, or The Group Room for Bikini Briefs. Lingerie is better than Bikini Briefs. After you’ve collected your desired underwear, speak to the women in the changing room (north door) for a dash of pretty makeup before you leave.
- Head back to the dress shop and step into the dressing room. Cloud will step into the dressing room and get changed. Outfit donned, head north to Corneo’s hidey-hole. The guy out front will let you through, and you’ll undergo judging after finding Tifa (and an Ether) in the upper-left room.
- If you managed to successfully swank up Cloud, Corneo will choose him for the night, and you’ll be swept into Corneo’s bedroom. Antics ensue. If Corneo does not choose Cloud you’ll have to wade your way through a rather easy battle, collect the girl who was not chosen from the, ah, ‘torture room’, and then run in to save either Aeris or Tifa. (It’s rather difficult to get Aeris chosen. This article offers a comprehensive set of circumstances under which you can make sure she’s the one, if you’re really that keen on seeing the cut scene.) Regardless of the outcome, check behind Corneo’s bed for a Hyper…
- … then prepare for trouble as he dumps everyone into the sewers beneath the mansion, where his pet awaits. Equip Tifa if you haven’t already - she’s been stripped of her materia - then get ready to rumble.
This is an easy battle, though fast-paced. Aps relies on two attacks: a normal, physical strike, and its special Sewer Tsunami. Sewer Tsunami hurts everyone on the field, and depending on which direction it travels the damage varies: if it hits Aps from behind it hurts him more, while it will hurt your team more if it sweeps in from your back. You’ll want to keep everyone’s HP above 90 to remain safe against this attack, and since Sewer Tsunami hits everyone Aeris’s Healing Wind Limit Break will remain consistently charged. Use it to do away with the effects of Sewer Tsunami. Use physical attacks and Fire magic to bring Aps down.